Breaking News NOW!
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| Staff | |
| CEO | KittyCat11231 |
| Additional Information | |
| Parent Company | The Roy Disney Company (a division of Feline Holdings) |
Breaking News NOW! is a service to bring you all of the breaking news NOW! A subsidiary of The Roy Disney Company.
| POLITICS - Staff Pass New Rule Banning Gay Pride Flags |
A recently passed rule on the MRT would make it a felony to grief someone's builds by making unauthorized changes.
At the last GSM, staff passed topic 5a, a rule that bans putting gay pride flags on peoples' builds.
Under the new rule, offenders are "guilty of a rule violation punishable by a level 4 warning."
"'Grief' means a willful course of conduct involving building or destroying things on another person's property without permission," the rule reads.
Gay pride flags are a type of "thing."
Critics are accusing the bill of violating LGBT rights by I haven't thought out the rest of this sentence yet.
The bill was passed by the staff at the GSM in a 13-0 vote, and was approved by Frumple.
Staff also recently passed a rule about some other thing tangentially related to this rule, which I need to mention to pad the length of this article.
| IntraRail Beats LIRR To Grand Central By Almost 3 Weeks |
Almost 6 years after its initial conception, IntraRail's much-delayed extension to Bakersville Grand Central finally opened as of about 3 weeks ago. In a ceremony presided over by IntraRail CEO KittyCat11231 on Wednesday, the CEO praised IntraRail's hard working and dedicated employees for working around the clock to finish the project on schedule1. "Even though there have been all these delays," Kitty said, "we're gonna get it done on time. It's gonna remind MRTers that this is the greatest server in Minecraft. We don't make excuses. We make the impossible happen, like finishing this line weeks ahead of the Long Island Rail Road East Side Access extension to Grand Central Terminal."
1Give or take about 6 years.
| Second Avenue Subway Beats MRT Western Line Extension By Almost 6 Years |
Almost 90 years after its initial conception, New York's much-delayed Second Avenue Subway has finally opened as of about 6 years ago. In a ceremony presided over by future former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo last Saturday (of 2016), the Governor praised the MTA's hard working and dedicated employees for working around the clock to finish the project on schedule1. "Even though there have been all these delays," Cuomo said, "we're gonna get it done on time. It's gonna remind New Yorkers that this is the greatest state in the United States. We don't make excuses. We make the impossible happen, like finishing this line well ahead of the MRT Western Line extension to Tembok."
1The ninth or tenth iteration of the schedule, to be exact.
| POLITICS - KittyCat11231 Wins Kittocracy Presidential Election: BNN! Projection |
KittyCat11231, President of Kittocracy, has emerged victorious in his re-election bid, BNN! projects. After a campaign fraught with illegal election interference both by subversive groups and the deep state itself in an attempt to deny the President a fair chance at re-election, the people of Kittocracy stood with Kitty and cast their votes with him. The President, as well as Vice President SansNotLuigi, declared victory after what the Vice President referred to as "a landslide victory for the legitimate government."
President Kitty told BNN! that, while his victory has already been ascertained, the state will be hard at work to ensure proper electoral procedures are followed under the Electoral Security Act. "Enemies of the state, who want to see our beautiful Kittocracy fall from grace, are still plotting to steal this election through criminal activity," the President told BNN! "But mark my words, any person who participates in this coup attempt will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Our election police force is ready, and we will maintain the sanctity of our elections at any and all costs."
| ECONOMY - Waypoint Appeases Regulators' Antitrust Concerns By Competing With Itself |
| "Don't Worry, You'll Get It Next Time!" Varsity Softball Coach Tells Entire Student Body At Tryouts |
A local high school, Oakland Axe High, in Vermilion recently finished tryouts for its varsity softball team, and the 10 students with the greatest athletic prowess were chosen to represent the school in the upcoming regionals competitions. But the school's chief coach took a conciliatory tone with the students who didn't make the cut, individually assuring each of the 4,000 other students at Oakland Axe High that they had great potential and would surely make the team at some point in the near future. "While now might not have been quite your time, you've got a lot going for yourself. In maybe two or three months I expect we're gonna have a couple openings on the team, and I think you're gonna be just the person we're looking for," the chief coach said to all 4,000 students.
Our correspondent was present at the school's softball tryouts, and got to see the aspiring students who just barely fell short of qualifying for the team. "You've got great form and excellent technique, I just think you could improve just a tad on your reaction time," the chief coach told a student who hit the ball out of a window into a nearby parking lot, a student who tackled the ball out of the hands of an opponent, ran out to the school's football field, and scored a touchdown, and three students who did not show up that day, one of whom does not attend Oakland Axe High.
"I'm incredibly excited to see these talented young individuals join our team," the chief coach told BNN!'s correspondent. "It may not be their time quite yet, but just you wait."
| The Snapshot with sesese9 - A Year In Review |
As we approach one year since sesese9 was announced as the host of The Snapshot, BNN! reviews sesese’s tenure as Snapshot host:
| POLITICS - Staff To Consider 1000 Page Omnibus Spending Package At Next GSM |
At the August 2021 GSM, staff are set to debate this year's appropriations for server government spending. The current iteration of the spending bill, co-sponsored by Protractions Committee chair autobus22 and ranking member __7d, most notably includes funding for the proposed LaGuardia AirTrain project and a proposed server-sponsored bribery initiative, alongside thousands of other appropriations.
The LaGuardia AirTrain project is set to receive over $2 billion in federal funding under the bill. Directed by New York Governor autobus22, the planned people mover line is expected to reduce travel times between Manhattan and LaGuardia Airport by traveling in the opposite direction away from Manhattan, connecting with a subway line at a point further away than the limited stop bus it parallels. The AirTrain will also have direct connections to the South Street Seaport and Lower Manhattan Heliport, and to the Madison Square Station of the US Postal Service on East 24th Street in Manhattan. "We're excited to connect to all the places that any arriving tourist in New York would want to visit," Governor autobus said at a press conference last week.
The bill also proposes funding for a server-sponsored bribery campaign, which would bribe members to leave positive reviews of their time on the server on travel booking websites such as Expedia and Travelocity. If approved, members could receive direct payments for each review they post, subject to specific instructions advising members to describe the server as a survival faction PvP prison drugs server. An amendment to add the terms "Christian Minecraft server" to the instructions, proposed by airplane320, will also be considered but is not expected to pass.
In addition to outlining server spending for the next year, the bill will also renew the Air Facilities Inconveniences Act of 2012, which requires the MRT staff to pass pedantic and unnecessary restrictions aimed at air transportation no less than every two years. "Maybe next year we'll require all airfields with the letter R in their callsign to have a space of at least 4 blocks between planes from wingtip to wingtip," one committee member told us. "Or we can require all helicopters to be pointed at a 45 or 275 degree angle, depending on whether the helipad is at an odd or even numbered y-level."
BNN! will bring you live coverage of the entire course of the debate over its expected seven week duration. In response to a request for comment, Press Secretary sesese9 told BNN!, "I'm sorry."
| EXCLUSIVE - God “Shocked And Angered” After Finding Out 99% Of Humans Are Sexually Attracted To Other Humans |
In an exclusive interview last Tuesday, God told BNN! he felt “shocked and angered” after a recent report by the Holy Census & Statistics Bureau found that 99 in every 100 humans experiences sexual attraction towards others.
“I made this clear 2000 years ago,” he said. “You are allowed one occasion with one person to unceremoniously make physical contact to produce a baby, and you are to hate every moment of it.” But contrary to the assurances God said he personally received from loyal churchgoers, the data indicates that most humans who engage in sexual activity enjoy it. “I’ve been lied to for millennia, and I honestly feel betrayed,” God told us.
BNN! interviewed people outside our Central City headquarters for their thoughts on the report. “AH YOU CAUGH... I mean, what shocking news!” one person told us. “I can’t believe so many people are having se... se... se... I can’t even say the word! I personally could never stoop to that degeneracy,” he said nervously as he hurried away with his wife. “Please don’t tell God I broke my word!” another person said. “Please!”
We asked the lord why sexual attraction was possible if humans were made in his image, to which he twitched nervously and asked our reporter to leave before locking the door behind himself.
God later issued a memo ordering the chemical castration of the entire human population, and tasked the Alabama Department of Public Health with executing the order.
| Lazy Graphic Designer Uses Photoshop Clone Stamp Tool Instead Of Individually Recoloring Every Pixel |
A lazy, unmotivated graphic artist, Mousse E., from Jakarta, Indonesia has been mired in controversy after leaked footage showed him using the clone stamp tool to clear up a portion of an image last Monday. The artist, if he can even be called that, is seen on video, obtained exclusively by BNN!, copying a set of pixels in a circular selection area to a different area of the image, using Photoshop’s clone stamp tool, to remove an object from the image used in an advertisement he was creating.
Competing local artist Rube Goldberg provided the footage to BNN!, stating that his competitor was pathetic for not taking the time and effort to manually reach the exact same result. “I don’t understand why Adobe even invents these tools to enable laziness,” Goldberg told BNN! in an interview. “Work harder, not smarter - that’s my life motto.” Goldberg also revealed that Mousse E. cut corners in a recent 3D animation project, opting not to animate the movement of a character’s upper thigh which was under a long dress and not visible at any point in the video.
“When I work on an image, I make sure to individually color every pixel to every shade of my liking,” Goldberg said. “No paint brush tool or any of that bullshit. And when I’m making a video I do the same for every individual frame in the video. It’s why my work comes out better, and why it won many awards.”
BNN! did not reach out to Mousse E. for comment, as we didn’t feel right associating ourselves with his kind.
| Engineer Invents Time Machine, Uses It To Retroactively Propose Boring Civil Engineering Project |
BNN! has learned that a time traveler from the late 2030s has been discovered on the MRT by immigration authorities. According to administration reports, the time traveler is an engineer for the 31-BART-Cyan Corporation in the year 2037, and is the lead engineer on the company's timeline manipulation project intended to allow 31-BART-Cyan to go back in time and facilitate its eventual takeover of the MRT administration. The time traveler was discovered by authorities after arriving at the Admod Building with a manila envelope filled with a 278 page proposal for a boring, obscure civil engineering project.
BNN! spoke with the time traveler, who explained that the settlement paid by 31-BART-Cyan following its accidental destruction of half of Old Central City on the Old New World left the company unable to pay his salary, forcing him to take a side gig on a civil engineering project with the Osmolian government. The time traveler told us he planned to cut construction time on the Osmolian engineering project by using the new technology he developed for 31-BART-Cyan to bring the fully formed proposal to a GSM more than a decade in the past. "The minister has faced a lot of pressure from his constituents over the constant construction delays," he told us. "He directed me to do what I needed to relieve that pressure, and I figured this was the easiest option."
BNN! sent a correspondent back with the time traveler to report from the year 2037. As for the potential for this new technology, our future parent company 31-BART-Cyan declined to comment.
| POLITICS - Vulpicula Elected Epsilon Republic Student Body President |
The Epsilon Republic has elected Vulpicula as its Student Body President, with his party, the Llama Libertarians, also winning the most seats in the Student Assembly. The Llama Libertarians rose quickly in popularity as they campaigned on a message of free snacks in the cafeteria, extended recess, and a 50% decrease in homework. Vulpicula promised in a campaign speech one week before the election to abolish detention.
A debate was held one week before the vote, but was cancelled halfway through during the audience Q&A as the students in the audience deviated from the list of questions pre-approved by the administration.
The Superintendent announced following the election that the ballot papers were lost. Vulpicula is not expected to stand in the new election after he was arrested by the school resource officer for harassment.
The Superintendent did not respond to BNN!'s request for comment, and our reporter was promptly barred from campus.
| RPC Media Launches New 24/7 News Streaming Service |
| Marblegate Receives Eye Transplant |
The city of Marblegate is in celebration over a successful eye transplant restored the city's sight to its youthful clarity, after a successful operation by surgeons from Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center.
Marblegate is reported to have experienced gradually decreasing eyesight over the years, causing the city to become disoriented and confused, reportedly leading to the city losing its car keys multiple times, tripping while walking up stairs, and accidentally taking someone's $40 million soccer stadium. The city sought medical attention, fearing that its medical issues were progressing to the point of rapid degeneration.
Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center reached out to the city to arrange for treatment, and a team of doctors decided that a full eye transplant was the best way forward. MFU Medical Center chief surgeon woorich999 told BNN! that a donor was found on the Planet Minecraft organ donation database. The donor was identified by the name of kingbrit, a 36 year old trucker from Boise, Idaho who was found dead under suspicious circumstances, with his eye found already cleanly cut out and placed in a cooler for refrigeration.
According to the surgeon, the operation was a complete success. The transplanted eye was compatible with existing tissue and experienced no issues with rejection, as the City Council had already given its signature of approval.
Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center declined to comment on the location of HanSangYoon supykun.
| BluRail Announces New 5-Wide Rolling Stock For Juhwa Islands |
BluRail CEO hvt2011 announced new rolling stock at a company press conference today, unveiling the new BluRail XL series of trains specifically designed for service to the Juhwa Islands. The Juhwa Islands is noted for its requirement of trains which are 5, rather than 3, meters wide to be operated within its limits, forcing companies to rethink their rolling stock in order to service Juhwa.
"We think we've reached a breakthrough, with fleet that will both retain the familiar experience our customers know and love, and meet the transport regulations of the Juhwa government," hvt2011 said at the press conference earlier. According to BluRail, the BluRail XL series took over 30 minutes of research and development by the company's R&D team, consisting of a ten year old transportation enthusiast from Kalamazoo, Michigan, Dexter Bus CEO Dexter249, and United States Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao. The project is expected to cost BluRail upwards of 13 million Kitanian Dollars, but hvt2011 tells BNN! he expects the massive ticket sales from passengers in the Juhwa Islands region will make the project profitable.
The BluRail XL series is noted for being 100% powered by renewable energy, as the workers powering the train's locomotive are intravenously supplied with a constant stream of hydration and nutrient paste, although its engineers are still working on increasing the speed of the train, which currently maintains a top speed of half a mile per hour.
Juhwa Islands mayor HanSangYoon supykun could not be reached for comment, as he is still in hospital following a severe allergic reaction to peanuts, as BNN! previously reported. Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center would not disclose his condition or his current location.
| EXCLUSIVE - Admins Crash Server To Keep Top Secret Inchmuir Facility Under Wraps |
A BNN! investigation has uncovered the existence of a top secret MRT government facility in the old world city of Inchmuir, which leaked documents identify as Area Fifty None, believed to be used for weapons testing and development, including biological and chemical weapons. Documents obtained by BNN! from MRT Trial Moderator Vickiposa on the condition of anonymity indicate the facility to be located at the site of the Inchmuir Spaceport, owned by the Inchmuir Space Agency.
According to Inchmuir Space Agency workers BNN! interviewed, the ISA abandoned the Inchmuir Spaceport in 2017, moving the facility's workers to Inchmuir. The workers told BNN! that the ISA would not explain the reasons for the spaceport's closure, detailing in an internal memo to employees that they "were not at liberty to say" why the ISA was leaving the facility.
BNN! reached out to ISA director and Inchmuir mayor thomasfyfe at the end of November 2018 with a request for comment. The director indicated that the ISA moved out of the facility due to "operational constraints" and budgetary concerns, while also transmitting a series of long and short clicking noises over the telephone during the interview. Days later, Frumple announced thomasfyfe had been removed from his role as a Moderator, and his whereabouts since cannot be verified.
According to internal documents, the MRT government has used the Inchmuir Spaceport as a top secret facility for the past year and a half. The documents also indicate biological and chemical weapons development and testing at the site, including what is known as the Pathogen, which was reportedly stolen from the facility at one point in 2018 by a group known only by the number "31". The MRT government has denied links to the Pathogen, and at the latest GSM, in what is believed to be an effort to maintain its exclusive control over the formula, announced that possession of the Pathogen would result in sanction.
Earlier today, a BNN! reporter traveled to the vicinity of Inchmuir to obtain materials regarding the facility. Upon being alerted to our reporter's activities, Frumple ordered the server abruptly shut down, before making a public statement declaring Inchmuir to be under quarantine, and threatening anyone who enters the vicinity of Inchmuir with severe punishment. Frumple also held an emergency ASM with the rest of the Admins to discuss further handling of the situation, according to a leaked memo obtained by BNN! from godzilltrain on the condition of anonymity.
Frumple declined BNN!'s request for comment.
| BREAKING NEWS - MRT Falls Into Wormhole, Separates From Rest Of Universe |
Astronomers at Mossack Fonseca University's Arnim Zola School of Science & Technology were stunned today after witnessing a once in a lifetime astronomical event, after the entire MRT server was violently sucked into a wormhole, physically separating itself from the rest of the universe.
"This is a phenomenal scientific observation," MFU professor and astronomer Johann Schmidt told BNN! in an exclusive interview. "Think about what this will do for my career! All the papers, seminars, prestigious research grants... I'm set for life!"
As of today, the MRT is effectively its own parallel universe, outside the dimensions of space and time, with no observable reality beyond the borders of the world.
Upon being briefed, the MRT government immediately took emergency action, sending helicopters to hold up a big, shiny, moon-shaped rock in the sky at night, along with some patterns of twinkling lights, to maintain a familiar environment and ensure the comfort of the civilian population. During the day, the MRT's entire stockpile of nuclear weapons will be detonated high in the sky for 12 consecutive hours each day. Family and friends of astronauts who were on active duty at the time of the incident have been sent a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake and an "I am 'beary' sorry" Hallmark card to compensate for their grief.
Follow BNN! for further developments on this breaking news story.
| Juhwa Islands Mayor Develops Severe Peanut Allergy |
Juhwa Islands mayor HanSangYoon supykun has been hospitalized following a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. The mayor was seen at a local peanut-based confectionary store, owned by Mossack Fonseca, which recently opened on the Juhwa Islands, where he was photographed eating a chocolate chip peanut butter cookie coated with an unidentified bright white powder.
A BNN! reporter was on scene when HanSangYoon supykun collapsed and was seen convulsing on the ground. Paramedics from Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center were immediately seen on scene carrying away the mayor into an ambulance which quickly sped off. BNN! was unable to follow the ambulance to the hospital due to our reporter’s tires being slashed.
Mossack Fonseca University Medical Center released a statement that the mayor was in stable condition at the undisclosed location of the hospital, but did not give a timeframe for when he would be released.
Following the incident, the confectionary store where HanSangYoon supykun fell ill immediately went out of business. Its employees were whisked away by helicopter before the location was destroyed in a controlled demolition.
Mossack Fonseca did not respond to BNN!’s request for comment.
| BREAKING NEWS - Frumple Announces Special GSM Guests |
"At the next GSM, we would like to welcome very special guests Mercury203, Morgan Freeman, and Queen Elizabeth II. There will also be free cookies and cake," Frumple announced.
| "I Will Accept The Results Of The Election, If I Win" - Hendon Olympic Committee |
The Hendon Olympic Committee has released a statement in support of its bid to host the 2019 Summer Olympics, stating, "I would like to promise and pledge to all of our voters and supporters and to all of the people of the MRT that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic Olympic host election, if I win."
Over the past few weeks, Hendon has been campaigning hard to be the next host city of the 2019 Summer Olympics, the second annual Summer Olympics following the games in Elecna Bay last year. The Hendon Olympic Committee commented that Elecna Bay had been "the worst Presid... I mean Olympic host city in this history of this server." Elecna Bay has been a public supporter of Laclede, the current frontrunner to host the Olympics, which the Hendon Olympic Committee referred to in a statement as "Krooked Laklede."
Hendon has expressed concern over the public voting process to determine the host. "It's a crooked system. We're running against a rigged system, and we're running against a dishonest media," the Hendon Olympic Committee wrote in a statement. "The only way we can lose, in my opinion, I really mean this, is if cheating goes on. The only way they can beat it, in my opinion, and I mean this 100%, is if in certain sections of the server they cheat."
Hendon has also criticized media coverage of the Olympics bidding process. The Hendon Olympic Committee wrote on its official Twitter account, "The FAKE NEWS media (failing @news_mbs, @BNN!) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the MRT People!" It also criticized campaign volunteers for Laclede's Olympic bid. "We think it's totally unfair that all these volunteers are out there campaigning for the city they want to win, but not for the city they want to lose!!" the committee wrote.
In response to a request for comment from BNN!, the Hendon Olympic Committee stated, "Cause this whole system's rigged, and we all know the riggers..."
| BNN! Responds |
| Man Arrested For Arresting Man For Insulting SKoC Govt/NPOTM |
Yesterday, a man named Lorem Ipsum, a Cattington federal police officer, had been arrested by the Feline Holdings Police for arresting a man named Yittik Tacip, a Kitanian immigrant now citizen of SKoC, who had been arrested for Criminal Defamation of SKoC Government and the Nature Protecters of the MRT (a front name for the MRT Greener Party terrorist organization). The man told police that he was a veteran member of Cattington’s federal police, and was ordered to arrest the man who worked as a minor reporter for BNN!. The Feline Holdings Police then knew this was the man they were looking for. His unfair, closed-door, kangaroo trial began today at an undisclosed Mossack Fonseca facility. If found guilty (which he will be) of all charges by the jury, which three of the members include KittyCat11231, KittyCat11231, and KittyCat11231, he will surely be put to death.
| PepsiCo Drinks Win New Flavor World Record |
Beverages produced by PepsiCo, Inc. are packed with more vibrant, exciting flavors than those of any other company, a new world record awarded to PepsiCo declares.
Mountain Dew World Records, a subsidiary of Mossack Fonseca, awarded the record after a blind taste test found that 2 in 3 Americans would choose PepsiCo drinks over the leading value brand. In one such test, a real person who is not an actor is on record as having exclaimed his renewed belief in benevolence of the lord Jesus Christ after taking a sip of Gatorade. "It really puts everything into perspective, you know," he told a BNN! reporter on site. "I just know that there's someone up there watching down on me, and everything's gonna be alright."
"I think this is some excellent news," PepsiCo CEO Ramon Laguarta told BNN! in an exclusive interview. "Our analysts expect our profit margins will go up significantly." PepsiCo has experienced rising profits in recent months, partly bolstered by the company's recent acquisition by Mossack Fonseca.
| Mercury203 Revealed As Head Developer For Minecraft Java Edition 1.13 |
Corporate records made available to BNN! following a request to Microsoft indicate that former insignificant MRT member Mercury203, who quietly left the MRT after a largely uneventful period of membership, had worked as Mojang's head developer for the 1.13 version of Minecraft Java Edition.
Mercury joined Mojang in 2016, and in 2017 was spearheaded to lead development of Mojang's next major update to Minecraft. In a statement to BNN!, Mercury commented that his goal was to create a stable, optimized Minecraft experience for all players, on singleplayer and multiplayer, noting his expectation that the MRT server's update process in particular should go off without a hitch. Mojang developer Jens Bergensten is reported to have internally praised Mercury for his work on 1.13.
Mercury203 briefly enjoyed an uneventful period of membership on the MRT in 2017, before leaving for personal reasons and due to his full time work with Mojang. When asked to comment on former MRT member Mercury's development of 1.13, Frumple told us, "Who?"
In addition to his work at Mojang, Mercury203 has also enjoyed more recent success working with the teams behind the EElevator and uCars plugins, as well as PaperSpigot.
| Kaktus Republic Known Traitor Tries To Extort Business |
Gryffin mayor Foxwolf11, better known as a traitor and enemy of the state of the Kaktus Republic, has been scheming lately to bring suffering to the loyal citizens of the Kaktus Republic. Among other nefarious tactics, Foxwolf has been attempting to extort businesses which operate across state lines to play into his agenda.
Early on Wednesday, Foxwolf11 led Gryffin's armed secret police in taking the AstroSlurp in Gryffin hostage. AstroSlurp is a multi-state corporation which includes retail operations in both Gryffin and the Kaktus Republic. Foxwolf threatened to demolish the building and have each employee and patron within it shot if AstroSlurp did not adhere to a list of demands, including $39 million in cash and political lobbying of the Kaktus Republic Union Congress on behalf of Foxwolf.
"We don't negotiate with terrorists," announced AstroSlurp CEO Conric005 at a news conference. Conric publicly announced his full and unwavering support for the Kaktus Republic, which ordered a military operation to take back the AstroSlurp in Gryffin.
Gryffin mayor Foxwolf11 declined BNN!'s request for comment. When BNN! reached out to Gryffin deputy mayor FiorkG, he responded by demanding BNN! retract the story below the story below on this page.
| Kaktus Republic Known Traitor Tries To Extort Business |
Gryffin mayor Foxwolf11, better known as a traitor and enemy of the state of the Kaktus Republic, has been scheming lately to bring suffering to the loyal citizens of the Kaktus Republic. Among other nefarious tactics, Foxwolf has been attempting to extort businesses which operate across state lines to play into his agenda.
Early on Wednesday, Foxwolf11 led Gryffin's armed secret police in taking the AstroSlurp in Gryffin hostage. AstroSlurp is a multi-state corporation which includes retail operations in both Gryffin and the Kaktus Republic. Foxwolf threatened to demolish the building and have each employee and patron within it shot if AstroSlurp did not adhere to a list of demands, including $39 million in cash and political lobbying of the Kaktus Republic Union Congress on behalf of Foxwolf.
"We don't negotiate with terrorists," announced AstroSlurp CEO Conric005 at a news conference. Conric publicly announced his full and unwavering support for the Kaktus Republic, which ordered a military operation to take back the AstroSlurp in Gryffin.
Gryffin mayor Foxwolf11 declined BNN!'s request for comment. When BNN! reached out to Gryffin deputy mayor FiorkG, he responded by demanding BNN! retract the story below on this page.
| Kitanian Court Charges Jesus Christ With Blasphemy |
A local thrift store owner in Nippia, Jesus Christ, was charged in Kitanian federal court today with blasphemy, for refusing to recognize the Flying Spaghetti Monster (praise be unto him) as the official state deity, declaring himself to be the "son of god". Kitanian Attorney General Rick Parry said in a prepared statement that Mr. Christ had been seen on street corners and metro platforms in Nippia, preaching to passersby who mostly ignored him, with the exception of one 42 year old woman who called the police after seeing him at the 69th Street station.
"He said the F-word to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (praise be unto him)," the woman is heard saying on the 911 recording. "I don't like that. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (praise be unto him) is a nice guy."
Christ was presented before a judge in a Kitanian federal court co-located with the official state church of Our Lady of Perpetual Sodomy. Prosecutors denied defense requests for a plea bargain, and have announced intention to seek the death penalty. If convicted, Christ faces a maximum sentence of capital punishment by crucifixion.
| Espil & Pixl Negotiate Trans Points Partnership Ahead Of MRTvision |
After a highly anticipated series of negotiations between the cities of Espil and Pixl, the two cities have agreed to the new Trans Points Partnership, or TPP, an economic agreement designed to boost tourism to the local region. Under the terms of the agreement, both cities will work cooperatively to boost each others' performance in the MRTvision Screenshot Contest, bringing each other up in the rankings, in what Espil mayor EspiDev says will result in greater exposure and increased tourism for Espil and Pixl.
"I believe this is a major opportunity for our economies," EspiDev said at a press conference late on Saturday. "You're looking at the new economic capital of the southwest." Pixl mayor Seshpenguin announced his city is tripling the size of the city's airfield to handle increased travel demand. "We're opening up the region to the world," Seshpenguin told a BNN! correspondent.
The TPP has not come without its critics. A local newspaper editorial blasted Espil's mayor for attempting to put other cities at an economic disadvantage in what it deemed a "disastrous deal". BNN! is aware of a group of cities proposing economic sanctions on Espil and Pixl, including the withholding of MRTvision points.
| DesertView Announces Permanent Re-Enactment Of "The Purge" |
The town of DesertView, in keeping with its policy of staunch libertarianism, has announced it is permanently disbanding all government services in preparation for a permanent re-enactment of "The Purge".
DesertView mayor lfpp003 made the announcement during a press conference on Thursday, in which he highlighted several citizens' complaints over the use of their tax dollars to fund non-essential government services, such as police, running water, and the local insane asylum. "I think it's time we let our citizens exercise their fundamental freedoms," the mayor said.
Effective tonight at 12 AM, all government services will cease to exist. Mayor lfpp003 told BNN! that critics' claims that violence would ensue in the anarchy were unfounded. "The non-aggression principle tells us that acts of aggression are inherently wrong, and that will stop-" he said before being interrupted by a chainsaw wielding man who cut out his spinal cord.
BNN! has announced the cancellation of its planned live coverage of the first hours of the purge, after our news van was blown up at the order of the BART Court for the District of DesertView, which recently set up operations in the town.
| NINEchannel Reaches Groundbreaking Conclusion Following Investigative Report |
| DEVELOPING - Mossack Fonseca Cable Services Drops BNN! Over Contract Dispute |
BNN! is no longer available to Mossack Fonseca Cable Services subscribers via the company’s cable system. The contract between BNN! and Mossack Fonseca expired at 5 p.m. ET, today, Jan. 3, 2019. Approximately six trillion viewers have lost access to the news, analysis, and opinion programming provided by the company’s television station via Mossack Fonseca Cable Services.
In addition to our daily BNN! newsroom coverage, such programming as the First Word with Dorence o'Lonnel and other opinion programming will be lost. At the same time, more than 14 trillion subscribers nationwide have also lost access to BNN! Crimewatch, our basic cable network airing 24/7 live footage from a surveillance camera at a gas station off the A1 highway near Ashmore.
“We’re extremely disappointed that we do not have an agreement on the renewal of our contract with Mossack Fonseca,” said our parent company Roy Disney’s senior vice president for corporate relations. “Our programming lineup is in jeopardy—beginning this weekend with critical programs in some key markets. We don’t want Mossack Fonseca Cable Services subscribers to miss this programming.”
“We’ve offered Mossack Fonseca Cable Services fair market rates for our top-rated news, analysis, and opinion programming, and similarly fair rates for our cable network, BNN! Crimewatch,” he continued. “Mossack Fonseca has refused our offer and failed to negotiate in a meaningful fashion.”
Mossack Fonseca Cable Services subscribers who attempt to view BNN! will simply see the following message:
| "We Don't Negotiate With Terrorists" - Radish CEO To The Malachite |
Radish CEO MinecraftYoshi26 issued a formal statement Wednesday afternoon in response to a job offer presented to him by The Malachite, a satirical news organization founded this year by Purrcat2010 in order to improve the quality of satire produced on the MRT, after he had criticized The Radish and BNN! for their reporting on the activities of the MRT Greener Party, an environmental terrorist organization accused in a Radish exposé of the mass unauthorized planting of trees in the Rank Resort area. The MRT Greener Party is a sister organization to The Malachite.
Purrcat2010 submitted a formal complaint in May that The Radish's coverage of his organization did not accurately represent his organization's activities. It was not the first time a news organization like The Radish had been in the spotlight for inaccurate reporting, after The Onion was forced to publicly apologize for miscalling the 2008 United States Presidential election for the DRE-700 voting machine. After publicly criticizing the coverage of both The Radish and BNN!, The Malachite was founded to address what it saw as the shortcomings of the reporting of other agencies.
In a letter written to Yoshi obtained by BNN!, Purrcat2010 praised the quality of The Radish, saying that Yoshi would make a great employee for The Malachite. Purrcat explained that he sought the same talent behind The Radish, the newspaper behind the coverage The Malachite was specifically founded to oppose, and that he was also considering hiring the head editor of BNN!.
In Yoshi's statement he issued in response to The Malachite's job offer, he highlighted the link between The Malachite and the MRT Greener Party, going so far as to accuse The Malachite of attempting to cover up the MRT Greener Party's terrorist activities. Yoshi stated that he did not want to be associated with the MRT Greener Party, and that The Radish does "not negotiate with terrorists", and that he unequivocally rejected The Malachite's job offer.
In response to BNN!'s request for comment, Purrcat2010 filed a libel lawsuit against BNN! and The Radish in The Federation Civil Court, claiming defamation.
| Juhwa Islands Plagiarizes Government Model Of Confederate States of America |
Recently, the Confederate States of America's sentiment towards the Juhwa Islands has sharply fallen from an already negative rating to critical levels, thanks to its mayor acting increasingly needy of the President of the Confederacy. While this is a bigger reason on why there are strained relations between the two confederations, another issue that exists between the two hasn't been spoken as often: plagiarism.
For some time, the Confederate States has become very disconcerted over the interesting fact that Juhwa has been roughly mirroring the Confederate States on many different aspects. The government itself, which is a confederacy, is a prime example.
The Confederate States of America uses a confederate form of government, in which a group of provinces, states, and/or territories form a sovereign union. It was originally founded in 1861 by several former states of the United States of America. The Juhwa Islands, on the other hand, were founded in 2017, meaning the Confederate States predate the Juhwa Islands by 156 years. Confederate President Jefferson Davis issued a statement to BNN!, saying that the Juhwa Islands were effectively "a rip-off of the Confederacy".
President Davis also criticized the Juhwa Islands for using English as an official language, stating that the Confederate States have been using English as their national language long before Juhwa.
BNN! didn't bother to reach out to the mayor of the Juhwa Islands for comment.
| Frumple Holds Emergency ASM In Response To "Sock" Joke At GSM |
Frumple called the Admins to the Admod Building for an emergency Administrative Staff Meeting, after several members of the MRT mentioned the word "sock" in a joking context numerous times during the public portion of the November GSM.
BNN! is unaware of the context of the joke and what it is referring to, as we didn't bother trying to research it, but Frumple announced in a press conference after the ASM that the Admins had voted 3-2 to ban all jokes of socks. Frumple said that any jokes about socks for the purposes of trying to be funny or trying to piss someone off would result in a triple warning and a three month ban. He made sure to clarify that the topic of socks itself was not banned, but that any lighthearted jokes about the topic would be severely punished.
The ASM, as well as the following press conference, were held at the new MRT National Windmill in southwestern Central City, where a ribbon cutting ceremony took place shortly thereafter.
| Deadbush Follows Airline Industry Trend, Overbooks Airport Gates |
Deadbush Edgecliff Airfield has decided to follow the recent trend set by airlines in the past few years, which have used overbooking as a means of gaining revenue, and has initiated a policy of overbooking the gates leased by the airlines themselves.
The policy was not publicly announced, but came under light on Saturday when Cascadia Airways flight 947 was attempting to land at the airfield. The flight, originating from Waterville, had been granted clearance to the airport, but while on its initial descent the pilots were told by air traffic control that there were no gates available for passengers to disembark, and that the gate they had been assigned was occupied by a plane from Dexter Bus Airways. The pilots attempted to divert to Falloway Airport, but the plane ran out of fuel and crashed into the ocean one mile from Falloway, killing everyone on board.
An Edgecliff Airfield Authority spokesperson told BNN! that overbooking was a necessary policy to maintain revenue, and that mathematical formulas are used to try to predict as accurately as possible how many airlines won't complete their flights to Deadbush. The spokesperson said that any flight that is bumped due to overbooking will be reassigned free of charge to the next available airport.
| Kevtropolis Mayor Plotted To Use BNN! To Advance Anti-Jaywalking Agenda |
KevAKAtheGr8, mayor of Kevtropolis, plotted to use BNN! to advance his city's policies towards enforcement of anti-jaywalking laws, a new report by BNN!'s investigative team uncovered.
Internal documents from the Kevtropolis Department of Transportation, including a memo from the mayor to the transportation commissioner, show that the mayor wanted to "deliberately make a bunch of stuff about the traffic enforcement public as much as posible (sic)" in order to ensure BNN! picked up on the story. The mayor states in the memo his desire for a "story on BNN" about the subject, in which he misspells the name of BNN! as BNN, which is a completely separate organization with no connection to or affiliation with BNN!
KevAKAtheGr8 declined our request for comment.
| Man Doesn't Get The Joke In BNN! Article |
BNN! came under fire recently from Frederick Houghton, 26, of Coronado, the best friend of local Kevtropolis man, Richard Salisbury, who was previously featured by BNN! in an article about his steadfast commitment to social responsibility through self-censorship. Houghton took issue with a BNN! article mocking the censorship of words and topics without considering the context in which they are used, saying that the article should have censored a certain topic without considering the context in which it was used.
Houghton criticized the article for its ironic juxtaposition of a racist mob targeting the dictionary definition of a word over its perceived racism, while continuing its actually racist activities. Houghton said the article paralleled the target of the article, the type of person who cares more about censorship of words than actual offensive ideas, to a racist mob. A BNN! public relations spokesperson told Houghton that the joke was merely intended to make an extreme example of the type of behavior mocked in the article, but Houghton replied that making an extreme example of what it would be like if a racist mob exhibited the behavior mocked in the article necessitated that BNN! was implying that anyone who exhibits such behavior is akin to a racist mob.
BNN!'s chief of public relations declined to comment.
| Man Censors Language Towards Scum, Low-Life Hooligans To Avoid Sounding Disrespectful |
In an effort to avoid unnecessarily offending people, a local Kevtropolis man, Richard Salisbury, 27, altered his vocabulary when cursing out a group of good-for-nothing human waste teenagers walking beside him on the sidewalk. Salisbury told BNN! that it is important in our day and age to be sensitive to the feelings of other people and be selective in our choice of vocabulary.
"I hope you eat shit and die," Salisbury thought to himself when he saw the group of teenagers walking aside him. But he was quick to filter out his language, he told BNN!, and simply told them to rip out their own intestines and suffocate on them while suffering a slow and painful death. "I really feel like I made a positive impact in the world today," he commented.
But Salisbury isn't alone in his efforts to make the word a cleaner place. A local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan gathered at the headquarters of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in the United States over concerns that the inclusion of the n-word in their latest edition was an act of racism, protesting outside the building by lynching three African Americans. "We want to show them that we are willing to take a stand," their spokesman told BNN! at the scene.
| Ikeda, South Weast Charter, IntraAir Heli Lines Leave SkyTransit, Form Breakaway Alliance |
At a press conference on Thursday, the executives of Ikeda, South Weast Charter, and IntraAir Heli Lines announced that their airlines were leaving SkyTransit Alliance, effective immediately, and forming a new airline alliance, the Atmospheric Transportation Alliance, or ATA. The airline executives told reporters in the conference that their airlines were not afforded enough opportunities in SkyTransit Alliance, and that the new alliance would benefit the airlines by restricting their decisions on aircraft usage, signage, routes, gates, and ground services. Hailing it as a new era in the airline industry, the CEO of IntraAir Heli Lines announced that airlines that join the alliance will have the right to ditch the aircraft they already have the rights to and use their own aircraft free of charge.
The news was not, however, met with unanimous praise. The CEO of IntraAir, a member of SkyTransit Alliance, criticized IntraAir Heli Lines for leaving the alliance, saying that its CEO should step down. IntraAir Heli Lines' CEO fired back, saying the CEO of IntraAir was a failed leader and should resign instead. The two airlines subsequently began running ad campaigns against each other. Ikeda's board of directors issued a statement backing IntraAir Heli Lines and sharply criticizing IntraAir, which was followed by a statement from Caelus criticizing Ikeda's livery, aircraft design, cabin interior, and branding, saying that the airline would not miss Ikeda in SkyTransit Alliance. South Weast Airlines and South Weast Charter subsequently banned each other from each others' airports.
| Titsensaki Bids For Waterville 2018 Winter Olympics |
The city of Titsensaki announced today their bid to host the Waterville 2018 Winter Olympic games. The mayor of Titsensaki, frogggggg, made the announcement at a press conference, in which he touted Titsensaki's world class sporting facilities, transportation, and accommodations, and announced the beginnings of preparations to host the games.
In the press conference, which lasted about thirty seconds, the mayor announced his plan to make a plan on the location and scale of the venues and to expand transportation by increasing the frequency of flights from Titsensaki Regional Airport. He congratulated Waterville on its victory in receiving the Winter Olympics, and said Titsensaki would be proud to host Waterville's Olympic games come this December. We reached out to Waterville mayor Skelezomperman and Olympic Commissioner airplane320 for their reaction, neither responded to our request for comment.
| Man Discards Gum On Public Sidewalk, Held At Gunpoint For Aggravated Vandalism |
A 32 year old man in Ashmore last Monday found himself held at gunpoint by a heavily armored police SWAT team after he discarded of his used chewing gum by tossing it onto the sidewalk. The assailant was reported to police by a good samaritan, who noticed the offense and flagged down a nearby police vehicle, telling them to "arrest him". The officers called for backup, and portions of 2nd Street were briefly shut down as an armed Ashmore Police SWAT team moved in on the suspect, riot gear in hand, and demanded that he get on the ground and put his hands behinds his back. An Ashmore Police spokeswoman told BNN! that the man has been charged with aggravated vandalism, as well as endangering the welfare of a child, as a six year old girl barely missed stepping in the discarded gum, and second degree murder, as a car was forced to swerve away to avoid colliding with the responding SWAT vehicles, hitting a pole and killing the driver.
| Airchester Airport Company Replaces Epsilon International With Apple AirPort, Plans Yearly Upgrades |
The Airchester Airport Company announced in a press conference today that the current iteration of Epsilon International Airport in Airchester will be torn down and replaced by the latest generation of Apple's AirPort. The CEO of the Airchester Airport Company, Cortesi, told reporters that, given Epsilon's frequent upgrade cycle, it would be more efficient to outsource construction to a private company.
Cortesi said that the company chose Apple's AirPort as it was a reliable product that would see new, innovative, and exciting features with each yearly release. The latest AirPort, the 7S, has a bigger terminal and more vibrant carpeting, and a 15% wider runway. Airport executives lined up around the block of their nearest Apple store upon the AirPort 7S' September release, looking to get their hands on Apple's latest piece of innovation. "I thought the AirPort 7 was great, but now that the 7S is out I can't let our passengers willow around in that piece of garbage," said one of the executives BNN! interviewed at the Apple Store in Segville. "The terminal lighting in the 7S is 5.6% brighter. It's a real game changer."
The Airchester Airport Company plans to order the new AirPort sometime in November, but the company is reportedly trying to find an air traffic control operator that does not require a two-year contract.
| EXCLUSIVE - BNN! Not Fake News, According To New BNN! Report |
The reporting and journalism of BNN! is accurate, fair, and trustworthy, states the conclusion of a thorough investigative report by BNN! BNN!'s investigative reporters combed through the archives of BNN!'s achievements in journalism, from its award winning reporting from the battlefields of the Great War with WolvHaven, to its exposé on the sex trafficking ring operating out of the Admod Building, and its fair and balanced coverage of MHF_Question's inspiring, courageous campaign to replace Frumple's Canadian agenda with his own vision for the future. The report, which cited this article as a source, concluded that BNN! has never been deceitful or duplicitous in its conveyance of the facts of each and every story it reports, and that it takes every measure to ensure the accuracy and integrity of all of the work that it publishes.
| Mossack Fonseca Announces Identity Theft Protection Service |
Mossack Fonseca held a press conference on Monday to announce the founding of Mossack Fonseca Identity Services, or MFIS, which aims to help its customers protect their personal information from identity theft. At the conference, CEO KittyCat11231 touted that MFIS would procure peace of mind for its users, allowing them to rest easy knowing their personal information is safe in their hands.
To sign up for Mossack Fonseca's new service, users are prompted to enter in a username and password, security questions to ensure the safeguarding of their account, as well as additional documentation including their full name, age, sex, phone number, address of residence, credit card information, social security number, Google account username and password, photocopies of their driver's license, most recent bank statement, most recent federal and state tax returns, and birth certificate, and an image of their thumbprint. The information is stored on secure servers, and is used to allow MFIS to easily identify identity theft attempts.
The service is completely free to sign up for and use, as detailed on the 50th page of the terms of service agreement:
"There is no charge to sign up for an account or use the service. By using the service you absolve Mossack Fonseca of any civil or criminal liability for the manner in which any information obtained through the submission of documents and other information to the site is handled and utilized."
Mossack Fonseca has been working with sister company Roy Disney Adworks to create an advertising campaign for the new service, which includes publication of CEO KittyCat11231's social security number on various billboards and vehicles.
| Hard And Serious News With BNN! |
The proud journalists here at BNN! recognize that our viewers are in need of some serious, fact based news reporting. We recognize that it would be inappropriate of us to use humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues, and our new standard of reporting will reflect these values from now on.
Road Begins Construction
A road somewhere on the server that someone wanted to build was approved for building and is now being built by that builder.
Town Mayor Pardons Himself
The mayor of a town somewhere pardoned himself in response to allegations made in a joke article, which he denied.
Mayor Who Pardoned Self Interviews Self
Shortly before issuing his own pardon, the mayor of that town we mentioned interviewed himself about that thing he didn't do.
BNN! didn't bother to reach out for comment on any of these stories.
| An Interview With Roy Disney CEO KittyCat11231 |
BNN! senior correspondent KittyCat11231 sat down with the CEO of The Roy Disney Company, KittyCat11231, in an exclusive interview. Here's how it went.
KittyCat11231: Hello, welcome to our office and thank you for letting BNN! interview you today.
KittyCat11231: I mean ultimately it's my office but yea, sure. Hello.
KittyCat11231: So I'm gonna get right to the scandal that's been plaguing the company for a while now. What is your response to the piece written by The Radish about MBS?
KittyCat11231: Well we at Roy Disney stand by the journalism of all our companies, including MBS. The Radish clearly fabricated an interview between myself and one of its "journalists", and used it to peddle false and defamatory claims to undermine the legitimacy of the hard work done by the reporters at MBS News.
KittyCat11231: Is it true that MBS was founded at a secret meeting in an evil mountain lair?
KittyCat11231: No, that is a complete fabrication, and I resent the attempt by The Radish to paint us as some sort of malevolent force. We just want to bring our viewers the most accurate and fair representation of what's going on on the server they live in.
KittyCat11231: What do you have to say about The Radish being allowed to make such a publication with no consequence?
KittyCat11231: Well I think it's outrageous, honestly, that the staff would let them get away with this. It's been far too long that news agencies have been able to report with such fragrant disregard for truth. Which is why I'm officially proposing to the GSM that no form of communication be allowed which should slander our good name.
KittyCat11231: Well what should consumers do to avoid this fragrant disregard for truth and get real, honest reporting?
KittyCat11231: They should turn to the proud tradition of reporting at our Roy Disney family of companies, such as at MBS News, or even at BNN!
KittyCat11231: It's good to know there are some sources of quality journalism out there. Where can people find out more information about these organizations?
KittyCat11231: That's what the wiki is for. Our journalists' work and effort is easily accessible on our wiki pages, and even on YouTube.
KittyCat11231: Well thanks for coming for the interview. I'm sure our readers will be happy to check those places out. Oh, and later on, can we discuss that question I had earlier about getting a raise?
KittyCat11231: Remind me at 2.
| Up And Coming Satirical News Organization Sued For Defamation |
An up and coming satirical news organization has been sued in The Federation Civil Court by the Infant Mortality Foundation, a non-profit organization devoted to the euthanasia of young children, for defamation and making false statements, in response to a satirical report in which it was accused of not using child safety locks on the gas chambers and arsenic containers in its main warehouse.
The Infant Mortality Foundation, or IMF, denied the allegations made in the report, and alleged that the satirical article was misleading, false, and defamatory. IMF made a statement on its website saying that satirical articles should adhere to a standard of accuracy, and not make use of humor, irony, or exaggeration.
BNN! reached out to editor of the satirical article for comment, and our reporters were told that they could not comment on pending litigation.
| Mossack Fonseca Did Not Assist Tax Evasion Of MinecraftYoshi26, BNN! Confirms |
BNN! has confirmed that MinecraftYoshi26’s years long scheme to defraud authorities and evade paying income tax, unvealed by a report from The Radish, was not assisted, aided, or abbetted in any way by Mossack Fonseca.
Immediately following the report released by The Radish, BNN! set out to confirm as a matter of absolute fact the natural conclusion that Mossack Fonseca was not a part of Yoshi’s scheme. Mossack Fonseca contacted us through the Feline Holdings internal hotline before we were able to reach out to them to clarify their lack of involvement in the scandal, before listing a range of other activities which Mossack Fonseca isn’t and has never been involved with.
KittyCat11231, Feline Holdings CEO and director of BNN! and Mossack Fonseca, told us that he is proud of Mossack Fonseca’s legacy of non-involvement with tax evasion scandals, and of BNN!’s proud tradition of editorial independence.
The Radish attempted to verify the conclusions reached by BNN!, but its investigative reporting team mysteriously vanished soon after contacting Mossack Fonseca. After brief concern regarding their whereabouts, the Radish reporters appeared on camera in an undisclosed location to make a non-coerced confirmation of the accuracy of each and every detail of BNN!’s reporting, before announcing their leave of absence on an extended vacation.
MinecraftYoshi26 declined our request for comment, but we can assume he would confirm his sole and unassisted responsibility for his transgressions.
| Admins Discuss Secret Plan At ASM To Influence WolvHaven Elections |
At the Administrative Staff Meeting on August 5th, BNN! has learned the Admins discussed a top secret operation to influence elections in WolvHaven in order to install a pro-MRT regime. The operation was to include a funneling of contributions to the Puppet State Party in WolvHaven, which has announced its plans to contest in the next Parliamentary election. A release of misinformation targeted towards WolvHaven internet users was also plotted, as well as a cyber attack on the electronic systems used to tabulate votes.
WolvHaven's Minister of Foreign Affairs was asked to comment to BNN! on the allegations against the MRT Administration, but was mysteriously shot dead upon arriving at MRT International Airport, in what MRT authorities say was a suicide, before he disposed of his own body and cleaned up the scene.
Frumple declined our request for an interview.
| ENTERTAINMENT - Fred Rail Movie Leaves A Punch At The Box Office |
Moviegoers are lining up around the block to get their hands on tickets to the new Fred Rail Movie, which has left audiences thrilled and critics raving following its July 12th release. But does the film live up to all the hype? BNN! film critic Anton Ego went to find out.
The first thing you’ll experience watching the Fred Rail Movie is the stunning visuals. Going $10 million over budget during production and having the release date delayed several times over two years seems to have rewarded itself with the most impressive visual experience of its time. Vibrant colors and excellent composition can be attributed to the hard work of director Christopher C. and the production crew at Fred Pictures.
But even a well composed film is nothing without a story to tell, and the Fred Rail Movie’s talented cast brings to live an excellently written and produced screenplay. A story of action and adventure, romance and hardship, love and sacrafice, the riveting plot keeps the audience on the edge of their seats at every turn. While the exposition could have been less slow and drawn out, the plot soon picks up and brings the viewers on an adventure they will never forget.
However, the conclusion of the film left us in shock, at the immensity of what had just happened, and at the writers and directors who envisioned the ending of the plot. The tragic twist seems intent on packing the audience with one last gut wrenching surprise, but left us feeling angry over the disrespect shown towards the audience by ending the movie on such a devastating conclusion. It is also unclear how the ending leaves any room open for a sequel, which The Radish reports is already in the works at Fred Pictures.
All-in-all though, despite the ending of the film, the Fred Rail Movie is a spectacular piece of cinematography that may easily go down as a classic. We give it four out of five stars.
| Environmental Terrorist Group Can’t Take A Joke |
The MRT Greener Party, an environmental terrorist group led by Purrcat2010 and exposed by The Radish for its illegal activites, has launched a crackdown on satirical humor used to portray the organization in a perceived negative light.
Purrcat2010, the leader of the terrorist organization, demanded that a local up and coming satirical newspaper, The Daily Beet, retract an article accusing the MRT Greener Party of placing plastic water bottles in the trash instead of a designated recycling can. Purrcat2010 stated The Daily Beet did not seek his permission to write the story, and that the MRT Greener Party would never do the things indicated in the article, apparently not understanding how satire works. Purrcat2010 wrote in a letter to The Daily Beet that it would regret the day it decided to publish the article. A source tells BNN! the letter was laced with a mysterious white powder, and that five editors at The Daily Beet were found unconscious and not breathing in their office.
Authorities are investigating the incident, and managed to track down the post office the letter was sent from due to the unrecycled water bottles sitting in a trash can just outside.
When asked to comment to BNN!, Purrcat2010 sent a letter to the BNN! head office, which also contained similar white powder. Three editors at BNN! have not been seen for three days.
| Environmental Terrorist Group Tries To Silence The Press |
An environmental terrorist group, the MRT Greener Party led by Purrcat2010, has tried to prevent The Radish newspaper from publishing an exposé on the organization's illegal planting of large jungle trees on private property at the Rank Resort.
Purrcat2010, the leader of the terrorist organization responsible for the reforestation, tried to discredit The Radish as part of the "fake news media" that silenced his populist message and had "Krooked Kastle" elected President of the United Cities, and demanded The Radish retract the story.
The Radish announced it was standing by its publication, which led to the MRT Greener Party bombing The Radish Central City bureau to oblivion, before of course planting trees in its place to restore the land to its former natural glory.
Purrcat2010 declined to comment to BNN!
| BREAKING NEWS - BART Disbanded For Mocking Capitalism, Disparaging American MRT Members |
Bay Area Rapid Transit, or BART, the megacorporation founded by _Kastle, has been disbanded by the staff following complaints that the company unfairly mocked the United States of America's political values. The company was disbanded shortly a strongly worded complaint from American MRT member PtldKnight, who wrote that it was rude to make fun of America's political values and method of how its government is run, telling BART CEO _Kastle that he should "make fun of your own country".
| POLITICS - KittyCat11231 Concedes UC Attorney General Race |
KittyCat11231 has announced that he will concede the election to be Attorney General of the United Cities. In a heartfelt speech before his supporters on Thursday, Kitty announced his concession, telling supporters that the United Cities needed change, and urged them to vote for his opponent, who decimated KittyCat11231 in BNN! opinion polling.
| Mossack Fonseca Intelligence Services Crack Secret Code With First Page Of Google Search Results |
Mossack Fonseca Intelligence Services has announced it has cracked a secret code, in Operation "Codename Couchman", using a website at the top of the first page of Google search results. The secret code was previously thought to be the most secure known to mankind, and Mossack Fonseca had dedicated the full resources of its intelligence team to crack it, before an intern getting coffee for a manager Googled "binary translator", clicked on the first result, and used copy and paste.
The intern has since been hailed as a hero within Mossack Fonseca and promoted to a senior managerial position within Mossack Fonseca Intelligence Services.
| POLITICS - Feline PAC Announces Projected Increase In Ad Spending Over Next Few Weeks |
Feline PAC has announced it is projecting an increase in ad spending over the course of the next few weeks. The organization stated that the money will be used to create and market extensive ad campaigns. It has also announced it will be coordinating with Mossack Fonseca Political Services to help its influence "reach its maximum potential".
| Report Finds Copyright Infringement Common In News Media |
A report from Mossack Fonseca has found that copyright infringement is increasingly found in news media. The report finds that, despite new United Cities regulations preventing individuals and organizations from using trademarked words, phrases, and images which were registered with the United Cities' new trademark office, trademark infringement continues to be a rampant, widespread problem. The United Cities had published a large advertising campaign to gain support for the new regulations, telling the public to get hyped over the new proposal, and showing Team Taco, Team Bacon, and Team Burrito teaming up to end trademark infringement. The new regulations formed a new trademark office of the United Cities, titled the Trademark Appreciating Coalition of Organizations Bringing Unconditional Regretless Reform and Infringement of Trademark Obstruction Associating Honorable Organizations of Nobility, or TACOBURRITOATHON, which registered all trademarks to be protected under the new regulations. The Trademark Bearing Alliance of Trademark Holding Organizations of Nobility, or TBATHON, lobbied heavily for the new regulations, and spent advertising money on its own advertising campaign in support of the regulations through its political action committee, Wonderful PAC Allied of Trademark Holding Organizations of Nobility, or WPAThon, in which it showed a stadium, titled the WestPacificAThon Arena, held an event called the TacoBaconAThon, in which it showed noble heroes fighting against the evil spirit of copyright infringement. After the phrase "Let the games begin" was broadcast throughout the stadium, the heroes violently fought against the evil spirit until it was killed. During the fight, it showed audiences watching around the world in Crystal City in the winder of 2013, Vinemarsh in 2014, Kitania in 2015, Laclede in the spring of 2016, Alturas in the summer of 2016, Whiteley in the fall of 2016, Segville in the fall of 2016, Ravenna in the spring of 2017, and Covina and Fort Yaxier in the summer of 2017. The advertising campaign generated global popularity despite frequent misspellings of the event it portrayed, labeling it the BaconTacoAThon, BurritoTacoAThon, Winter TacoBurritoAThon, and Winter TBAThon.
The Mossack Fonseca report showed that all of these efforts to combat copyright infringement have failed. TBATHON responded to request for comment, in that it announced it would lobby for further regulations, titled the CompoundTacoWordBurritoThonTaco Act.
In other news, BNN!'s legal division announced today it had received a cease and desist notice from the legal division of the following organization:
| BREAKING NEWS - April The Giraffe Executed By Firing Squad |
April the Giraffe was found dead Wednesday night after being executed by a firing squad. Witnesses reported seeing black helicopters descend upon the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, NY, from which a group of men in black riot gear and semiautomatic firearms stormed into the complex. Gunshots were reported in the vicinity of the giraffe pen, and April the Giraffe was found dead of multiple gunshot wounds. According to officials, her unborn calf was hacked out with a machete and stabbed 20 times before being doused with gasoline and lit on fire.
One of the men from the helicopters left a trail of blood on the pavement from his shoe. The blood was DNA tested and found to match Covina mayor _Kastle.
Mossack Fonseca has denied involvement.
| ECONOMY - Stock Prices For Riot Gear, Semiautomatic Weapons, Gasoline Producers Surge Following Bulk Order By Mossack Fonseca |
Stock prices are rising today, particularly among riot gear, weapons, and gasoline producers, following a recent bulk order from Mossack Fonseca, which provided much needed capital to the companies. Rex Tilleryannosaurason, CEO of the Shady Oil Company, told BNN! the purchase led the company to reverse a previous plan to lay off 650 of its workers.
Mossack Fonseca has declined to comment on its intent for the items it purchased.
| United Cities Declares War On Shadowpoint For Voting Against Resolution To Remove Shadowpoint |
The President of the United Cities has signed a resolution authorizing the United Cities to declare war on Shadowpoint for voting against a resolution which would terminate Shadowpoint's membership in the organization. The war declaration, which read "The United Cities DECLARES WAR against Shadowpoint for DOING SOMETHING WE DON'T LIKE!!!", was signed by President _Kastle Thursday evening after passing the General Assembly x to 1, where x + 1 equals the amount of United Cities member states. All member states of the United Cities will contribute to the military effort by providing military and financial support.
Shadowpoint filed a lawsuit in the United Cities Court, which was quickly bombarded by coalition forces, resulting in the courthouse being taken hostage and the justices being killed. The case was referred to a military tribunal which dismissed Shadowpoint's claims and charged it with treason.
The war effort interrupted efforts by the Danielston delegation to promote economic growth by lowering taxes 5000%.
| BART News Network Accuses MinecraftYoshi26 Of Hiding Government Corruption |
BART News Network CEO _Kastle publicly accused MinecraftYoshi26 Thursday evening of withholding evidence of government corruption. A BART news team reportedly requested access to an area closed off abruptly by the MRT government, leading MinecraftYoshi26 to deny access. Yoshi also refused to answer questions from the journalists.
BART News Network's Central City bureau chief Moonfang123 attempted to contact sources at the Admod Building, to no avail.
"We will continue to search for information on whatever happened in this area of the server," Moonfang said in an exclusive interview with BNN! "We won't let the staff hide the evidences of their negligence."
MinecraftYoshi26 did not respond to requests for comment.
| Pan Puno Skies Web Development Team Seen Trespassing In IntraAir Offices |
The web development team for Pan Puno Skies faces allegations of trespassing into the IntraAir offices at the Feline Holdings headquarters, according to a statement from the Feline Holdings Trade Enforcement Police. The Pan Puno employees allegedly were found with flash drives and cameras, which contained files taken from IntraAir computers and pictures of computer screens crudely taken over the shoulders of IntraAir employees. The flash drives were also found to contain pirated copies of Microsoft Paint 1985 edition.
The incident comes after a previous scandal in which Ben Warp Rail employees were caught trespassing in IntraRail's web design offices. The Feline Holdings Trade Enforcement Police has not commented on whether the two incidents were related.
Pan Puno Skies has denied the alleged trespassers were its employees, shortly after instructing them over the phone to wear fake mustaches, a call which was intercepted by the Feline Holdings Trade Enforcement Police.
| DEVELOPING - Mayor of Covina Goes Missing, Mossack Fonseca Denies Involvement |
BNN! has learned that Covina mayor _Kastle went missing Friday night. The Covina Military reported it could not verify the whereabouts of the mayor after an intensive three minute search operation. Covina is currently under lockdown as authorities search for _Kastle. All flights out of ATC have been canceled and no passengers have been permitted to enter or leave the airport. All Covina border checkpoints have been closed, and helicopters were seen late Friday night flying over areas of Covina.
Some witnesses reported seeing suspicious vehicles outside the Covina City Hall Friday evening. One eyewitness reported seeing a black van with Kitanian license plates outside the city hall shortly before _Kastle was reported missing. Another eyewitness reported sights of helicopters in the vicinity.
Shortly after the time the mayor was reported to go missing, IntraAir flight 41 was taken out of service and quickly departed ATC with no passengers onboard. Passengers reported being herded off the plane by men in black suits and glasses. One airport patron reported seeing black painted vehicles on the airport tarmac in the vicinity of the plane.
Mossack Fonseca released a statement regarding the matter, saying that it has no involvement in the disappearance, despite the fact that it had not been mentioned or accused at that time regarding the incident. Mossack Fonseca spokesperson Jared Fogle told reporters that there was no reason to believe that Mossack Fonseca had kidnapped the mayor of Covina, even as retribution for a poorly written slanderous article against its job-creating economy-moving ride hailing service. Fogle then handed a leaflet promoting this service to the reporters at the press conference.
IntraAir flight 41 was tracked by air traffic control as it was flown out of service past the world border, where it went off radar and has not been seen since. Records gained from an employee of Mossack Fonseca, obtained by BNN! on the condition of anonymity, show that vehicles from Mossack Fonseca's Special Operations Division went missing from the company's garages in the vicinity of Covina. Three helicopters were taken from Mossack Fonseca's heliport in an undisclosed location.
Currently, we have not learned any information regarding the potential whereabouts of mayor _Kastle. Chief Inspectigator Moonfang123 of the BART Police has stated that the BART Police is working closely with the Covina Military to locate the mayor's whereabouts, but had made no significant progress thus far.
BNN! will provide more updates when they are available.
| San Francisco Transit Agency Submits Proposal For 20 Lane Super-Expressway Between North And South Ends Of Spawn Station |
San Francisco's transportation agency has submitted a proposal to build a 20 lane super-expressway between the north and south sides of Spawn Station in Spawn City. The expressway is intended to greatly increase the transportation capacity of Spawn City and provide an emergency access route for drivers escaping raining fire and explosions falling from the sky.
| POLITICS - KittyCat11231 Wins BNN! Enslavement Party Primary Presidential Debate |
Minecartians from all across the country tuned in to watch the one and only Enslavement Party Primary Presidential Debate for the United Cities election. During the debate we helped fact check and monitor the conversation in real time. The consensus was clear after the dust settled, Mike Pence KittyCat11231 was the clear winner of the debate.
KittyCat11231's top moments from the debate included the economy and highlighting Narnia17's scandals.
KittyCat11231 made the most of his opportunity to debate Narnia17. The clear winner from tonight was KittyCat11231, who perfectly shared his vision to make the MRT great again, and that message is resonating with Minecartians all across the server.
| SPORTS - Team Skelezomperman Doesn't Like Wins Against Team Skelezomperman Likes |
In an astounding defeat of 7-0, the team Skelezomperman did not like beat the team Skelezomperman liked. The defeat marks a stain on the team's record that may be hard to overcome. Tom Brady was disappointed by the outcome, and stated that he would be deflating balls in the next game in order to make up for the previous loss.
| MRT Faces Unprecedented American Refugee Crisis |
The MRT Department of Immigration Affairs has announced a 75% increase in asylum applications from citizens of the United States. MHF_Question has come out in support of American refugees, while MHF_Exclamation has suggested building a wall to stop immigration.
BNN! will continue to follow this story.
| ECONOMY - Segville Mayor godzilltrain Loses $18000 In Bad Oil Investment |
Segville mayor godzilltrain has lost $18000 after an oil company he invested in went bankrupt recently. The company, New Oil Transportation & Relocation Enterprise Associates, LLC., went bankrupt following the crash of the Benion Stock Exchange. Analysts predict taxes in Segville to go up by 5000%.
| New Admod Building Animal Control Guidelines Prohibit Raccoons |
BNN! has just learned of new animal control guidelines published by the MRT Department of the Interior for the Admod Building, which now expressly prohibit raccoons from the building. The new guidelines are part of a wider objective to manage the animal infestation of the Admod Building, which has already resulted in regulation against hawks, ghosts, and dragons. Dinosaurs were previously disallowed in spring 2014 before the decision was reversed a year later.
| DEVELOPING NOW - Investigators Say Plane "May Have Committed Suicide" In Deadly Wampanoag Crash |
BNN! has more information regarding the deadly plane crash in Wampanoag. The plane involved, believed to be IntraAir flight 41, crashed into an elevated highway and rail line before exploding on the street below. All of the passengers on board are presumed dead.
According to investigators, the cause of the crash may have been a "successful suicide attempt" by the plane. Information from the flight recorder suggests that the pilots lost radio contact and control of the plane before the plane autonomously flew itself to Wampanoag and crashed.
In unrelated news, MHF_Exclamation was seen being evacuated from a hotel in Wampanoag close to the plane crash.
BNN! will bring more information when it is available.
| BART Supreme Court Rules Exclamation Points Not Covered By Copyright |
BNN! has just learned of a ruling from the BART Court in Central City, declaring copyright claims including exclamation points to be invalid. The decision is a victory for the Exclamation Mark Protection Fund, which has called the decision a necessary step to maintain the liberty of artists and writers. The decision affirmed the ruling of the Supreme Court of the City-State of Kitania.
| Study Finds BNN And BNN! Not The Same Thing |
A study conducted by the Mossack Fonseca research team has found that BNN and BNN! are not the same thing. According to researchers, one of the two is a news organization while the other is a better news organization. Mossack Fonseca declined to comment to BNN!.
| Covina Military, BART Police Storm ATC Airport Due To Dropped Ice Cream Cone, Arrest 6 Year Old |
A 6 year old girl was arrested Friday afternoon after armed Covina Military and BART Police officers stormed the northern terminal of ATC International Airport due to reports of a dropped ice cream cone. Flights were delayed for 30 minutes following the incident, stranding commuters. The operation was part of ATC's zero-tolerance littering policy. The girl is currently being held at the BART Police station in Covina and is due to appear in court Wednesday.
| Frumple To Appoint Eristheeagle Admod Chief of Staff, Says Sources |
BNN! has learned from an admod source that Frumple will announce within the coming weeks that he is appointing Eristheeagle as the Admod Chief of Staff. Eristheeagle, the notable civil rights leader who led the March on Spawn City in June 2014, will be unbanned from the server in order to serve in this new position.
Frumple was reportedly pressured into the decision by members of the Guest community, who threatened to withhold donations to his re-election campaign. Eristheeagle was banned in August 2014 for protesting against discrimination, in a move that was widely criticized among the MRT community.
Frumple has declined to comment to BNN!.
| Horizon National Airport To Include Bicameral Check-In |
Bay Area Rapid Transit, the operator of Horizon National Airport in Konawa and Lanark, has announced a bicameral check-in counter system today to act as a compromise between the airlines advocating for differing check-in policies. Large airlines argued that check-in counters should be assigned proportionally to the number of gates each airline receives, while smaller airlines argued that each airline should have an equal number of check-ins.
Under this bicameral system, there will be two levels of check-in at the airport, both located under the terminal. On the lower level check-in, each airline will receive a proportional amount of check-in counters: one per gate leased at the airport. On the upper level check-in, each airline will receive two check-in counters regardless of the number of gates each airline has.
The check-in system will be put into place, according to BART CEO _Kastle, upon the ratification of the agreement by 3/4's of the airlines.
| POLITICS - Study Finds MHF_Exclamation Voters Have Lower IQ |
A study conducted by Mossack Fonseca has indicated that individuals planning to vote for MHF_Exclamation have a 69% lower IQ than other participants in the study. The study has raised concerns over voter registration requirements, with some suggesting a minimum IQ quota to be eligible to vote.
| POLITICS - MHF_Exclamation Hacked Emails Released |
BNN! has received exclusive access to the hacked emails of MHF_Exclamation, a candidate to replace Frumple as owner. An excerpt from some of the emails is below:
- "I am a corrupt loser and do not deserve to be owner."
- "I think MHF_Question would make a great leader for the future of the MRT."
MHF_Question has not commented to BNN!.
| ECONOMY - Donations To Feline Holdings Improve Economic Growth, Says Study |
A study conducted by Feline Holdings has shown that donating to Feline Holdings directly contributes to economic growth of Feline Holdings. The researchers behind the study find that each dollar contributed to Feline Holdings directly results in the growth of Feline Holdings by $1. Analysts predict donations to Feline Holdings will increase following this study.
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